DAY 00

 

    Hello, I would like to start off this blog differently than I've ever started off a blog before firstly, I would like to say thank you for reading this blog and thank you for listening to The Chronicles of a big fat fatty who is working on being less of a fat fatty and then working on being a skinny person with a fat fatty brain and then working on not having that brain like that at all. LOL yes, it’s that real, somehow in The Amazing universe of Obama's internet, you found this page. kudos to you for actually clicking on that link and saying Yes boo I'm going to read this crazy long-named person’s blog. for those of you who don't know who, my name is Latoya Justice Shari Penny Ali. I am now also thinking to myself wow there's a huge possibility if not a reality that you still don't know who I am because I'm not a huge celebrity. let me be honest I'm not a celebrity at all I'm just a person who has done a million * 10 different types of things. I truly believe that I'm a free spirit. I have a podcast that I have been doing since 2019. I also have a YouTube which I shouldn't mention because I've deleted all the videos due to severe anxiety and manic episodes because I felt like this is really who I am or is this the one I'm trying to pretend to be because it would get me some views. I realize that at that moment I may have been doing it out of fear or just the fact that the opinions of the people who are listening to my videos in the comment section really startled me.

As you can see I am severely scared of what people think. I know there are a lot of people in the world who might just walk out into the world to make a video then edit it Like it's no big deal but I'm not one of those. I would put so much work into my videos that sometimes it would become a little bit obsessive-compulsive and then only get a few views and wonder why. I can't say all of the reasons why but I honestly believe some of them are because I didn't really know who I am and even as I speak now I'm trying to find out who I am. I realize that there was a lot of time spent on making the videos seemed like it was perfect making the moment seemed like they were perfect but in all actuality, I had no idea how to make a video that came across as authentic because I wasn't really being Who I Really Am. 

In the year 2019 as well I became very ill around September or October of that year and so I had to stop working for a few months. During that time I spent a lot of time not only being sick but also working on my creativity. I did a lot of things within that 3 and 1/2 4 months. Of me not working. I created a lot of content. I can't say it was all good content but I can't say I created a lot of content even the next year following in 2020.

In 2020. I also did about 30 YouTube videos. I also did about 50-60 podcast episodes, maybe more. I started an Etsy shop and created my own channel on Roku. I also worked on making a book which I am still working on as we speak. I also worked on a health journey and I was able to lose 31 lb. Unfortunately, I gained it all back and then some and this is why we have the blog here today.

During this time of being creative and working on my health journey, I also worked on my spirituality. I was learning more and more about being in the Islamic religion. I'm a person who studies and Islam and believes in the spirituality of all sorts. I also believe in manifestation and working hard. I know that during this time I was working so hard but I was not working on the one thing that was the most important, which was my health. My spiritual, mental, physical, and Financial Health. I had so many opportunities during the years of 2019 and 2020 to really build myself up into a person that would allow me to have crows and change but I kept following the same patterns. I became delusional about where I really was in my own life and got into a lot of manic states with depression and overeating and anxiety. I was one of those people who thought I'll just do it tomorrow or I'll just do it another day and now I sit here at 300 Some odd pounds Wondering where did I go wrong.

Obesity is something that usually sounds from a childhood trauma at least in my research that's what I found. When I say my research I mean watching 600-pound life so many times and other weight loss shows where people are over 400 pounds. Obesity is a disease but it's not just a regular disease where you can’t just get out of the clinic and say hey I'll never take drugs again or I'll never drink alcohol again and go to a support group. It is a disease that you have to deal with in every grocery store on every commercial and every radio advertisement at every family function or party. Man, it really sucks, I mean in a big way because you know that people look at you and you know that you feel sick and you know that the Cravings call you like a drug(like getting in my belly anything) you're trying to figure out what is the problem and it's not just the food it's a core issue that you have to keep fighting against.

I remember so many conversations with so many people and trying to explain to them how I feel about my addiction to food. there would be so many people that say man I'm so addicted to the food you're not the only one here or I'm so fat you're not really fat I need to lose weight and most of these people 9 times out of 10 you're skinnier than me. and a lot of those people who were skinnier than me were way skinnier than me like by 100 to 200 lb skinnier than me. It really sucks when you look at someone trying to FATSPLAIN How it feels to be a fat person. 

The reality is sometimes I want to say trick please you have no idea what it feels like to go through my fat woman Troubles. As we speak right now I am craving something to put on a plate and slather it and something else and just eat and eat and eat. The temptation is calling me and trying to lure me into that kitchen to make something that I don't need. Every day and I do mean every single day oh, and every second of that day I am thinking about a way to get food or trying to find a way not to think about food. Do you know how many times I've tried to talk myself out of a diet saying if I just eat one cheeseburger or if I just have one taco I'll be okay? Do you know how many times I have tried not to eat food and it backfired in my face in the worst way? It's like watching a bad sitcom where the boy tries to get the girl back by pretending that he's kissing another girl but he's really just hanging out with his best friend who just so happens to be a girl and then they wind up kissing and then they find out that they actually have feelings for each other. The next thing you know he wants up with two girls that he likes and two girls that like him. it feels just like that no matter what you do you're always caught in a rut.

I know some people would say but why don't you try using Weight Watchers or why don't you try using this product or that product or why don't you try exercising. And the reality is I have tried all those things. I actually love Weight Watchers. I think Weight Watchers is super dope and that's one of the reasons why I was able to lose 31 lb but I believe one of the biggest problems that I had during that time. Was my inability to let go of my anxiety and focus on just one thing. I had issues with just focusing every creative activity towards me losing weight rather than anything else. I spent so much time trying to do so many different types of projects at one time that is when it really blew up in my face more than anything. well, maybe that and the stress of going back to work when I knew That I was not ready to.

I'm the type of person that does things backward sometimes and I know that we all get in a pinch or it's an awkward situation and we might try to please people because of the fact that we don't want to let them down. I recently got into one of those pitches. It was more of something that I don't regret doing but I know that I won't do it again because it really put me into a bad ordeal. I realize that I worded that horribly so I'm just going to say the famous saying between a rock and a hard place.

Will power is something I have the biggest struggle with. It is something that a lot of people can just take for granted the ability to say no I'm not going to do that. Or no I am not going to go out my way for you. Or no I will not allow myself to do anything past this limit because I have morals and standards. Please don't get it twisted. I have very strong morals and tend to have very strong opinions about things and will not do certain things because of those. However, my need to please tends to be so abnormal that it just blows every type of standard that I have away at times. The scary thing is I am learning This as a 35-year-old woman with two kids and a boyfriend with whom I've been for 10 years. 

Will power is such an important factor in losing weight it is also an important factor in control. I struggle with control because of my fear of not being loved anymore if I get the power. I know I'm great at delegating and sometimes I'm an awesome person when it comes to management and having the ability to be an executioner when it comes to projects. even though I am weirdly somehow a person who can be a bit different than other people and then at other times at complete opposite to other people I'm able to manage those feelings but it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely sometimes and wanting to overwhelmingly put my attention on to other people because I want that attention. However, it seems the case that I always don't get that attention return the same way, and then it makes me closed off. In those times of feeling neglected or rejected or odd because I am bigger or older or younger or whatever the case may be than everyone else in that certain situation I turn to my dear enemy and companion food and depression to get me through those tough times. I've never really voiced this out like this in a blog because I kind of felt like there was no point in me trying to do so due to the fact that I felt like my opinion never really mattered so I'd sugarcoat it with fluff.

Now I'm at a point where I'm at day one again starting over in my weight-loss journey. However, I have come to the realization that this is not about a weight loss Journey at all at this point in my life it is all about me overcoming myself. There have been so many times where I thought it was so simple just to say hey today's the day I'm going to start and I'm just going to go through with it. I am now realizing that this is a bunch of many different choices over a long time. Of time that is going to allow me to have a little bit of growth that can contribute to a bigger picture. This is also about me overcoming my past and finding out what the root of my eating problems is. I have to deal with my issues and find a way to channel my life into passion instead of addiction and darkness. In the state of my life, I can't say where I am or if I'm determined more than ever is to get things done because that would be a lie. I can only say that at this moment I am doing something and I pray that each moment I make a good choice.

 One thing that we always say to the students as a substitute at the school that I sub at is making good choices. When they do make good choices we reward them for doing the correct thing or they're at least able to do the things that they've been wanting to do throughout the day like going to recess or participating in parties. But when they make bad choices we have taken a few of them aside including me as a substitute teacher and ask them have they made a good choice and when they say do we say as a bear we need to make good choices bears are responsible bears are respectful and bears behave and make good choices. No, I don't identify myself as a bear fully but a lot of people call me Mama Bear I do see myself as more of a puma or a b or even a wolf sometimes but I do know that it is important to identify when you need to make good choices even if it's a small tiny Joyce that nobody else knows about that means you're a woman of good character and as of lately I haven't been a woman of good character. It is so important to me as a black woman who is also a person who practices the Islamic paste that I make good choices because how I look as it is La makes a woman is how other people are going to see people who are Muslim who are black or who is even a black woman. It is so important to practice education and be able to articulate myself in a way that doesn't make me sound like an idiot but still being able to be laid back in the handling of a joke.

The importance of understanding my worth and my volume is something that I have had trouble with a lot of times I have placed my importance in other people's hands and let them take a mirror to my face and I look at the reflection that they have shown to me and use that as my map and moral compass for my own vanity or Eco or even self-esteem. That is wrong and ungodly the truth is that man can say and do things to hurt people because they are hurting. They can also say the truth but in a way that can damage people. I have learned that it is good to criticism whether it's constructive or not but it is not your choice of taking the criticism that makes you bold but it is your choice to make a change if you see something wrong and fix it to how you see fit which makes you bold.

As the great Malcolm X says ‘ You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.”

You have to find out what your freedom is and sometimes you have to bother yourself forward. It's something that I always say to myself in different ways. one of my sayings is if you love what you have you have everything you need.

Today is another entry in this blog more like the first entry, to be honest. In this entry, I hope that I'm able to establish that this is day one it is only the middle of the day but I'm praying that was every second every moment I can get through day one 

Peace love and blueberry honey 

-Smooches 1😘 MAy Peace and blessings rain upon all who read this.