I can’t breathe

 Lately it feels like I can’t breathe like I’m literally taking my own life every time I take a step or say a sentence. I also feel out of control my addiction to food is ridiculous. It used to be so simple, I will give in the morning sometimes I would eat a lot of times I wouldn’t but sometimes I would. I want you to get ready for work I’ll get the kids ready for school, but now it seems like no matter what I try to do I’m always facings debilitating obesity calls illnesses that I have going on within my body. Some days is my anemia which is triggered by stress and my menstrual cycle. Other days it’s my inability to breathe because  of my asthma.I have aches and pains all over my body and a bunch of different mood swings. My depression and anxiety is off-the-wall lately. I’m not able to sleep well but when I do I sleep at the wrong time and it’s usually a food induced comatose is like sleep. I am not proud of myself .

The truth is I’ve let my addictions get the best of me. My inability to control things going on in my life has become a big problem for me being a part of my family. I’m supposed to be the person who takes care of the family and kids but instead everyone seems like they’ve been over backwards to take care of me. I am so selfish I can’t believe that I’ve let my addiction get to this point where I am not able to perform sexually like I want to because My addiction takes away my drive a lot of times when it comes to being sexually active. My diction also keeps me constantly trying to spend every check I get on food for things that I don’t need.

I’ve spent so many days trying to agonize over grudges with people because of things happening in my past. Now I’m at a point in my life where I realize that it’s not their fault I let them do those things to me or I didn’t have enough self control over my own actions to say no or to be able to take care of my own life and so maybe people felt like they had to step in. I realize that I have not been the person that I would like to be. It really doesn’t matter what other people think at the end the day if I know something is wrong and I still continue to do it but get mad at others for trying to help then that makes me even more wrong than them. Even if it’s them doing the wrong thing to me.

An old saying that says full me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me fool me three times well that’s just a shame. And I believe I’ve been fooled into my own blindness more than 1 billion times by many different people because I was so blinded by what could be rather than seeing  what it is right in front of my face. No wonder gluttony is a sin. Gluttony in any form of fashion where they be eating too much food or a person who buys to me things over does things is wrong. And well I’m wrong I’m that type of person to the point where I am all the way at 345.6 pounds at my last weekend which was yesterday but I’m only 5 foot four and I’m 35 years old. Let’s be honest it’s not really  A reason that anyone should be in the 300s unless they are a football player or a sumo wrestler for someone who is a bodybuilder I guess. But me a regular average person is not supposed to especially a 5 foot four have this weight issue.The crazy thing is this is not my highest weight my highest weight what’s 351.5 I think and it could’ve been higher than that but I don’t know that’s just the highest I’ve seen.

So yesterday I had so many issues with my asthma that are used a homemade breathing treatment concoction that I made because I use of all my albuterol and I’ve been able to breathe better but it feels like I’m still suffocating. I feel like every time I eat certain foods or talk about certain subjects my coughing comes back I’m triggered my anxiety there my throat hurts and it just becomes overwhelming. I have a feeling that I usually put by my bed every night and I let it blow on my face The truth is it helps me breathe but it also seems like it’s making my sinuses and my asthma be annoying any thing now. I don’t know where I was going with that sentence honestly I just was like whatever.

I find myself to be a liar like how many times do I say to my phone I’m going to start on this new diet or lose lifestyle and then I don’t even make it out the day before I’ve had a ton of food. I don’t like to be a liar if anything that is one of the things that I despise the most but some people say that you despise something the most that you are. And I really don’t like to be alone I find myself to be unstable and faithful to my convictions and my mind is just so cluttered and and pure I don’t know what I’m going to do next. Are usually could be like hey man I’m going to do the snacks and even if I don’t make it through at least I know that that’s what I said for that moment the problem is I don’t wanna lie to myself anymore I don’t have any control over my addiction at all I have none I need major help when it comes to this addiction I have no clue what to do. I really don’t have any clue what to do I need the help to come soon because I can’t handle this anymore the inability to breathe is too much for me to bear.

So yesterday I decided to go on a 14 hour fast are used two different apps to track it. Don’t get me started on why are used to different apps rather than just one but I felt like I wanted to test out a new app. To be honest I always use the zero app to track my fasting but I decided to use this other app called Fastic it’s cool but maybe I should just use one of the time.so I made it through the forest and I haven’t eaten anything yet I plan to break my fast with an orange. What’s more like a tangerine but it’s an orange technically or in that family. I feel like I have these huge cravings for other foods so what I’m gonna try to do is get my body used to having one Miller day a simple meal like to be selfish whether it’s Friday something simple and maybe a handful of nuts or something but something simple and I want to use same plate in the same bowl every day for about a month in.

Granted I said this is what I feel like I don’t know I change my mind every two seconds so for right now I’m just going to think about having an orange because I realize that it’s too early in the morning to have fried fish so I decided to wait and see what’s going on and for right now I’m just gonna break my fast with the orange. I hope that I can make a good decision today I want to say that possibly I’m gonna start working on a free fast which is more intermediate and I want to get it down to the basics I might have something hot with something cold by two piece of fish and orange or some nuts and do you a chicken breast but I want to make it simple.